Friday, 24 February 2017

Forever Single



Do you ever set life goals? I always imagined myself married by my early 20's and had all my kids, before I was 30. Something that has been bothering me the closer I get near to 30, is being alone. This certainly feels like the most personal and open blog post I have written.

In high school me and my friend Kristen would sit and talk about our weddings to our future husbands. We said we'd be bridesmaids at each others weddings and even planned our future kids names. My friend moved back to America and now lives in Las Vegas, so now it looks like if she's bridesmaid I'll need to have a Las Vegas wedding. The problem was when it came to a guy saying he liked me, I was the who got red cheeks and get myself in a panic.

I left school at 16 and met a guy at my work. He was 7 years older than me and asked if I had msn (showing my age now, msn was the thing when I was a teenager). He'd always ask me to go to the cinema with him, but I was shy and had little confidence. I'd panic everytime a guy asked to meet me. I'd change the subject and became known as the person good at changing subjects.

When I turned 18, my brothers had girlfriends and brought girls round to the house. I thought to myself, you only live once and got the courage to meet the guy from work. He told me he had a daughter, when he was 17. When I got home, I told my dad that the guy has a daughter. The next day the guy came round to my house and walked in. My dad came through and shouted get out my daughters bedroom. I felt so embarrassed me and the guy both walked out. We ended up going to his house, but I was scared if he told his parents how my dad reacted. When I got home my parents said you can't meet him because he has a child already. It made me want to meet him even more. Whenever I came home, my parents would shout you better not be meeting him. I wish my parents let me learn from my mistake, but I carried on meeting him. He'd randomly cut off contact from me and appear out the blue. I'd get a txt saying "I miss you" and he'd say he was depressed. One day he asked to meet me, then last min said he couldn't meet. My friends said I could meet them at a pub. One of my friends said turn around. I looked around and the guy was sitting with a girl with red hair. At the time I had dyed my hair auburn red. It made me hate having red hair, so I dyed my hair blonde after that.

I'd go out to clubs and meet guys through friends of friends. I'd dance with guys, but when they wanted to kiss, I'd distance myself incase they expected to come to my house sometime. I knew I could never bring a guy to my house. My friend Kirsten would always get drunk and talk to random guys outside clubs and I'd stand beside her just smiling. Whenever I got home I knew my parents would say I was meeting the guy, when I was actually at clubs with friends.

My brother would always have a girl round. I said to my mum, why is she allowed in the house ? My mum said because they are engaged and getting married.

It makes me feel like I'll be forever single, seeing all my friends marry and have kids. It would be nice to have someone who wants to love me to themselves and to have that romanticness.

Now my mums trying to sell me off. My mum said you need to find happiness, before she gets old and loopy. My mum went by 2 managers from my work after she'd been out drinking and said "am trying to get my daughter married". I thought oh god and looked the other way. I got told at the night out a few weeks ago (my mum works at the same job as me) my mum went up to that same manager, asking if he'll marry her daughter. What a way to ruin your reputation haha. 

I bought a 2 bedroom house, as I was planning ahead for my future and it's been 3 years I've lived alone now. If you think you'll make the perfect husband, apply within hahaha joking. 

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